


i'll forget all the ways that we're broken

by ksootaeho



Series: fire on fire (zurin) [5]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Anger Management, Angst, Arguing, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:42:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27716972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksootaeho/pseuds/ksootaeho
Summary: Zuko cheated.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar)/Original Character(s), Zuko (Avatar)/Original Male Character(s)
Series: fire on fire (zurin) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998289
Comments: 13
Kudos: 27





	i'll forget all the ways that we're broken

**Author's Note:**

> tw/cw: azarin breaking shit bc he's angry, mentions of child abuse, mentions of murder, infidelity
> 
> you don't need to read the rest of the series for this to make sense. [this](https://twitter.com/breathofthewxld/status/1306181549331808257) is what azarin looks like, drawn by ao3 user KissTheRain.
> 
> title taken from "stay" by gracie abrams
> 
> [click to listen to the zurin playlist.](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3DDmbsUx1E36RsvagTNwKp?si=fExhKeqkQBencPL2-1aTlA)

All good things must come to an end.

This is what Azarin should have told himself from the very beginning. From the moment he met Zuko and his heart skipped several beats, he should have prepared himself for the inevitable end to come, the final bittersweet moment that would replay in his head for years to come. But he is only human, and he had gotten comfortable, and now he’s left staring at Zuko like he’s a stranger.

Zuko, the boy he’s loved for the last two years, the boy that took his heart and let it soar, the boy that showed Azarin what it’s like to feel alive.

The boy that has now shattered the life they’ve built together.

Azarin isn’t innocent, he knows he isn’t. The broken coffee table and torn clothing and punched holes in the walls tell a tale all on their own; Azarin’s anger is out of control. He’s trying his hardest to get a handle on it, though. He’s going to therapy twice a month to talk about how his abusive homophobic father murdered his mother in cold blood right in front of Azarin. He’s learning to walk away in situations that might trigger his anger. He’s actively  _ learning _ his own triggers, and that alone is progress from just a year ago before he and Zuko moved in together. But it isn’t enough. It isn’t enough, and Azarin knows that.

“Do you not have anything to say?” Zuko snaps, pulling Azarin from his distant thoughts that don’t really even matter, anyway. “Or is your only method of communication  _ breaking shit?” _

Ouch. It isn’t the first time Zuko has said something like this, but given the fact that they’re in an argument about Zuko cheating on him, it isn’t pleasant for Azarin to hear his flaws thrown back in his face. Zuko has always been good at deflecting blame, so Azarin doesn’t know why he expected this to be any different. Getting caught cheating doesn’t change who Zuko is, or how he acts. Azarin just wishes he knew Zuko better than he apparently does, then maybe he could have seen this coming. Maybe he could have seen the signs, even though now they’re slapping him in the face because they’ve been there all along.

“I don’t know what you expect me to say, Zuko,” Azarin’s voice is small, and soft, and so  _ so _ unlike him. It’s also a stark contrast to a few minutes ago, when he was screaming and throwing things. “I’ve gotten all my anger out, and this isn’t even about me, anyway.”

“But it is,” Zuko responds immediately, voice sharp and accusatory. “Everything is  _ always _ about you, Azarin. Why do you think I even felt the need to do what I did? How do you think I ended up lonely enough to want someone else?”

The dissipated anger that Azarin felt moments ago is now back, and it takes everything within him to not explode again. He already hates himself for doing it once after so many months of doing so much better, and he doesn’t want to have to tell his therapist that he lost control of himself more than once. Instead of letting his anger take him over, Azarin closes his eyes, takes in a deep breath, and clenches his fists as he stands in front of Zuko.  _ “You _ made a choice. I did not do this, you did. It isn’t my fault that you made the decision to cheat on me, and it’s unfair that you’re blaming me just so you don’t have to feel guilty.” If he’s honest with himself, Azarin is proud that he responded this way, even if it came  _ after _ he completely lost his shit. 

Zuko steps forward, and Azarin steps back. “I’m not  _ blaming _ you, I’m telling you that this is about you just as much as it is me. Yeah, I made the decision to sleep with Sokka, and that’s on me. But you can’t ignore the fact that we’ve been growing apart ever since you started therapy. I feel like I’m alone, Azarin...I love you  _ so fucking much, _ but I feel so fucking alone.”

Azarin’s eyes are filling with tears again, because is Zuko  _ really _ saying that Azarin getting help for his anger issues like Zuko  _ wanted him to do _ is the reason he cheated?

“You did more than sleep with Sokka. You  _ like _ him. You flirt with him and—”

“You flirt with him  _ too, _ Azarin!” Zuko cuts him off and oh, Azarin guesses what used to be seen as harmless flirting with someone he  _ thought _ was his friend is now out of the question. “Just because I slept with him doesn’t mean I  _ like _ him. He’s my friend, he’s  _ our _ friend, and yeah I’ve talked to him about how I’ve been feeling and he’s been helping me through it. I’m not gonna go propose to him just because he helped me.”

Azarin actually scoffs at this, trying to keep himself calm with all the various coping mechanisms he’s learned over the last few months but none of it seems to be working. His rage is boiling to the surface again, slowly but surely. “So you decided to let him help you with his dick?”

“Yeah. I did.” Zuko doesn’t even seem ashamed to admit this and Azarin thinks that might just be the absolute worst part of this whole thing. Zuko isn’t ashamed; he’s justifying his actions and partially blaming Azarin seeking therapy and Azarin doesn’t think he will  _ ever _ stop crying over this once it’s done. “We’ve talked about trying to have sex with Sokka before.”

Immediately, Azarin shoves framed photos off the wall next to him, letting them drop and shatter onto the floor because if he doesn’t then he’s afraid of what he might do to Zuko. “It was supposed to be discussed beforehand,  _ especially _ with Sokka considering we’re  _ both _ friends with him and neither of us wanted to risk losing that friendship! We  _ had _ this conversation, Zuko! You weren’t supposed to go fuck Sokka on your own!” His breathing is heavy again and Azarin feels himself slipping into another pit of rage even if it’s the last thing he wants to do right now. He guesses he can use this situation later on to look back on and pick apart all the things he could have done differently.

“What, like you haven’t ever kissed Katara before?” Zuko’s voice is rising, and with it, Azarin’s level of impatience. “The last time I checked, best friends don’t  _ make out with each other _ when they’re drunk, Azarin! Especially not when they’re in fights with their partners!”

“You  _ know _ how fucking  _ terrible _ I felt for that for so long and yet you still throw it back in my face whenever we fight. I thought you forgave me, Zuko? Or was that just your way of justifying cheating on me later on?” He’s stepping toward Zuko now, who’s making no move to back away. Azarin should see that as a good thing, but all he can think about is how incredibly angry he’s getting. The hurt is dissipating now, being replaced with pure unadulterated rage. “I should have known that you wanting me to start going to therapy was just a way to push me away so you could have a reason to feel better about wanting to sabotage our relationship. Because Zuko can’t ever make a decision to save his fucking life, and he’ll drag somebody along with him until they get sick of his bullshit and break up with him so he can be with someone else. I should have known. You did the same thing to Mai.”

Zuko puts his hands on Azarin’s chest, and shoves him back. It doesn’t do much but make him stagger back a few steps, which he quickly regains, and Zuko doesn’t push him again. “You just know me so fucking well, don’t you? You know how  _ my _ mind works because you’ve been going to therapy and you’re suddenly a goddamn psychologist now.” The fury in Zuko’s eyes doesn’t deter Azarin from looming over him, even if the smallest urge to press their lips together passes through his mind fleetingly. This isn’t the time, this is the farthest thing from the time for that, and Azarin is trying his best to refuse to let Zuko have that part of him anymore. Not after what he’s done and how he’s acting.

“I don’t have to be a psychologist to realize that what you did  _ with _ me you are now doing  _ to _ me, Zuko!” Azarin is shouting at this point, and his finger is poking into Zuko’s chest accusingly because he’s afraid if he touches Zuko any more than this then he’ll do something horrible, something he’ll regret for the rest of his life. “You were with Mai when you met me, she wasn’t okay with you having sex with guys while you were together even if you’re bisexual, so you cheated on her with me and we’ve been together ever since. I’m sorry if you’re fucking bored, Zuko, but you don’t just  _ cheat _ on someone because you want attention. Especially not someone who’s working on  _ themselves _ because  _ you _ asked them to!”

“I didn’t ask you to start neglecting our relationship to work on yourself, Azarin!” The fury in Zuko’s eyes softens as tears begin to twinkle against his golden irises. The sight has Azarin’s heart clenching despite his rage, because all he ever wants to do is protect Zuko. But this time, he’s not going to hold Zuko until he stops crying. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to do that again, or if he’ll even want to after all this is over. “I didn’t want you to start being distant and upset and sad all the time while you work out your issues. I didn’t want to be put second when I’ve been in second place my  _ whole fucking life... _ I thought you understood that, Rin. I thought you were different.”

Azarin wants to be hurt by this, but he knows that’s exactly what Zuko wants. Zuko lashes out when he’s upset or feels backed into a corner, and he deflects the blame from himself because it’s all he knows, and Azarin loves him despite all of it but he just wishes Zuko could see past himself for a single moment. This moment, the moment when their relationship is falling completely apart.

“You don’t get to be selfish when you want someone to work on themselves, Zuko. You don’t get to stand there and tell me I’m being distant and sad and upset and neglecting our relationship when I’m trying to do all of this for  _ you, _ I’m trying to work through my shit for you, for  _ us, _ for  _ our _ future because I thought we were going to be together for a  _ long _ fucking time, Zuko. I didn’t want to be in my thirties, about to have my first kid with you, and still unable to control my anger like this.” Azarin hasn’t told Zuko this yet, he hasn’t conceded that he wants to eventually start a family with Zuko. He’s only told his therapist. But as it comes out now, so do hot tears from his eyes and Azarin tries his best to keep his voice up, but it drops to barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be _...this... _ with my own children, Zuko. I don’t want to hurt our children.”

Zuko looks like something incredible hits him, like he’s seeing the truth for the first time in his life, and Azarin is so fucking grateful that he’s finally gotten through to him. Azarin is serious about this, about  _ them, _ and he doesn’t want Zuko to feel like this is just another one of his fleeting relationships that he gets bored with and begins to sabotage. Azarin is hurt and his trust in Zuko is completely and utterly shattered, and it will take a very long time to build that back again, but he loves Zuko. He knows Zuko loves him, too. He doesn’t want to give up because he wants so much more than what they currently have, but if Zuko is just going to continue playing his normal childish games, then Azarin has no problem leaving to find someone who will appreciate his effort to improve himself. Even if it breaks him to not be with Zuko.

“You…” Zuko starts, after a long while of them both staring at each other and breathing heavily, hearts racing. “You w-want kids with me…?”

Azarin nods, taking a step forward, letting out a ragged breath because he’s afraid of what he might do, afraid of his own hands as they touch Zuko but he lets them anyway. His fingers slide against Zuko’s cheeks to tangle in his hair loosely, and suddenly all the tension in Azarin’s body fades away into nothing. He relaxes into the way Zuko’s body presses to his own as he speaks. “I do. I want to start a family with you, Zu, but we can’t do that if you’re trying to sabotage our relationship when things start to finally get serious.”

Zuko’s eyes search Azarin’s own for what feels like several long moments. Azarin feels like he’s holding his breath, waiting for something to happen that feels like it’ll never come until Zuko’s eyes close and he leans up to catch his lips with Azarin’s softly. This shouldn’t be something Azarin welcomes, but he does, even in the midst of fighting and screaming and breaking things. Kissing Zuko is a comfort that Azarin doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to let go of.

Azarin loses himself in the way Zuko’s lips move against his own, he loses himself in this moment and in Zuko himself. Perhaps it’s the way Zuko’s hands are gripping onto his shirt like Azarin will disappear if he doesn’t, or maybe it’s the distant thought that this might be the last time they ever get to kiss each other if this doesn’t work out in the end. So Azarin puts his all into it; he pushes Zuko forward as he deepens the kiss and when Zuko’s back hits the wall behind him, Azarin breaks apart to trail his mouth down Zuko’s neck. He sucks a mark into Zuko’s collarbone and when Zuko moans, long and loud into the air around them, Azarin knows there’s no turning back from this, even if they both wanted to.

They somehow manage to both make love and fuck at the same time. It’s all frantic and needy hands on skin, ripping clothes apart and digging nails into flesh. The neediness turns to desperation at some point, which Azarin notices comes from himself as well as Zuko. They’re both desperate and wanting for each other, and that distant thought comes back into Azarin’s mind at some point when his cock is pushed into Zuko’s hot, tight hole. The thought that this might be the last time they do this. The thought that this might be the last time he gets to feel Zuko let go, feel Zuko’s body react to him, see Zuko come undone in the wanton way that he does.

So Azarin slows down their desperation and he savors every single touch, every single thrust, every single bite and kiss and breath. Zuko groans that he loves Azarin and Azarin says it back because he does. He loves Zuko so fucking much at this very moment, he loves Zuko so much that he doesn’t want this to end but he knows it has to. He knows they have to return to reality even though he so very desperately wants to stay here, where he’s entangled in Zuko’s very being in a way that he knows Zuko will never find anywhere else or with anyone else.

At least, that’s how Azarin feels about Zuko. He doesn’t exactly know if Zuko feels the same way. Not anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Azarin,” Zuko speaks breathlessly, tears in his eyes while both of them are coming down from their orgasms. It isn’t what Azarin expects to hear from him directly after sex, but he wraps his arms around Zuko and pulls the blanket on the bed over both of them as Zuko cries into his chest.

“I know, Zu,” he says. Azarin feels the weight of their reality crash back into him. It forces his own tears to fall. “I know you’re sorry. But ‘sorry’ doesn’t fix anything. I need you to  _ show _ me that you’re taking our relationship as seriously as I am. I need you to help me feel like I’m not going to therapy for nothing, like I’m not trying to improve myself for a doomed relationship.”

Zuko nods and takes in a large breath, probably trying to steady his heart. “I’ll try my best.”

Azarin doesn’t say anything else, because that’s really all he can even ask for.

In the morning, Azarin isn’t surprised to find the bed empty. Zuko works early, but he’d be back home soon enough, and it gives Azarin time to clean up the absolute wreck that he made of their apartment the night before. He feels much better than he had as he gets out of bed, but that feeling is ripped from him when he goes into the living room and sees Zuko’s blankets missing from the couch, Zuko’s jackets missing from the hall closet. Azarin runs to the bedroom closet to find it half empty. All of Zuko’s clothes are gone, his shoes, his toothbrush, his favorite towel. Gone.

Zuko is gone.

In the midst of his panic, Azarin had missed the small, folded piece of paper on Zuko’s nightstand.

_ I can’t give you what you need. I’m the one that’s broken. I’m the one that needs fixing. I’m sorry. _

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think of this and the other zurin au's because i have a lot of ideas for others <3
> 
> twitter: breathofthewxld


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